Yes I cry!! A hell lot..actually.

What it is about crying that makes people uncomfortable, judgemental, labelling it a woman thing!!
I own up man, I cry n actually a hell lot.i cry when I fail, when I m being tested.And then I cry when I almost phenomenally succeed !!
I cry when I see the dark clouds and the rain.Nature fills me up so much that I pour out.I cry when my pet rabbit, coco, rubs his nose on my feet wanting to play with me.His love overwhelms me.
I cry when being married for 2 yrs now; my husband still calls me his girlfriend n gifts me flowers every now and then.
And then tears roll down when little girls look at me with those eyes aspiring to be me when they grow up.
My nephews n nieces they make my eyes go gaga , when they look at me with their sparkle eyes.
I cry when people mock me; judge me coz my heart aches for them not being graced enough to not hurt other souls.
I cry when I am angry ; anger drains me; I see it as something weak in me.
So, practically everything about humans and about life AMAZES me.
And I know that after 10min of my eyes pouring I feel a calm inside me.I m indrawn and I feel light as a feather.
So ladies dont let the world take it away from u...and for that matter gentleman try it out; the potential of ur aching or delighted soul overpouring will sweep u off ur feet.
We were created to feel the warmth and beauty of nature; human connect; of emotions.....so why be hippocrits and tag such a natural human emotion as weakness.
In fact to cry it out needs emmence strength and I believe only who recieve grace can feel so deeply.

Be the light !!

While going through my regular reading routine I stumbled upon this quote "Never be afraid of being the most loving person around"; powerful indeed. And immediately I was thinking am I afraid of being that person, the most loving one and what I discovered,I actually was.Are u loving at the maximum of your capacity.Is your love transcending your anger, jealousy and hatred.Hope you too are not caught in the game of I'l love only as much as I will get in return.
      And then the most astonishing discovery I made, this practice of loving to all of my capacity liberates me; so I m doing good to myself first and then then anyone else.Every other emotion hatred, anger, revenge drains a lot of me. Love not as much!
    But why then not all of us practice this.We have been brought up in a world where every act of love and kindness is looked upon with suspicion. We immediately start searching a motive behind someone's love. What a pity we have been made into these robots who calculate risk benefit; profit loss before every act.
    But a word of caution! To be loving beyond expectations , beyond boundaries , beyond reason need a brave soul it is not for the faint hearted. But the moment you step into this world all things will seem simple, just replace every other negative thought about anyone with a sprinkle of love. U will feel lighter and your eyes will be shinier !! U WILL BE THE LIGHT !! I m on it from now on are u ??

The oncology ward....jan 2015.

IThe ward here looks silent! A far cry from the regular ones where patients are annoyed to every little affair not going according to their wish....the people suffering from cold; cough; fever and others from their self created illnesses obesity hypertension n all.
The patients here at the oncology ward; the word oncology makes it sound more scientific and more or less a little bit less invincible than cancer; they do not complain....they seem to have resigned to the creator's wish.
No one here talks rudely, no one fights, the medical staff works with slow, serene demeanor;  the physicians,surgeons putting in the years of their life in patientcare , research look no ordinary humans;  outcomes here at this place are counted in decades....probably long after all of them will be gone.
There is no anxiety , no rush...
An hour into the place and I m overwhelmed! ! The faces of all of them had some calm, some how the place as if existed in another plane.
I was distressed to return back to my regular chaotic world where I could count outcomes in hours fever gone; cough relieved; patient cured.....
And you know the most striking part of this whole situation....the smaller our pains , the more we panic and fight and complain; we focus more on smaller aspects of life.
Jane Hawkins aptly wrote in her biography "when the fight is with destiny ; the only things that matter are major issues- life ,survival, death." So much so that our world n its matters look Lilliputian against their world n issues.I will always remember the oncology ward coz it will always give back my perspective.

Things that never end.

What is it with things left unsaid, questions left unanswered,the end of a movie which says nothing to close  it on any particular side of the story??
How come there is this subtle sweet pain in the heart for an unsaid feeling , an incomplete relationship; as if the gift was half wrapped, the painting was left without the finishing touches, the threads of the knitting left unclosed.Everything left incomplete at a moment in time says so much of the moment, stuff emaculately left.....like my gardening tools left out in balcony with mud on them;  some bicycle lying flat in the corner of a garden....some lines written on a tea spilled page of a diary....all these things paint a story and the best part it has no end to it....it leaves one to imagine in whichever direction the heart takes!! It even leaves a possibility of something beautiful n brilliant that would uncover as the destiny wishes it, but offcourse right on time when it was meticulously proposed to.

“Agar waqt ki bijli humpar na girti,

 to hum bhi khushbu,panchi,badal se udte firte,

Is barish humko bhi par lag jate”

                                           -shabda

THIS SNOW

To each it snows,only it means so much less or so much more...

Of doubt it snows;of "loneliness" even  in a crowd,
all over upon u it grows..
The chill in the wind cuts deep through;
the silence all defening,
You desire a loud scream but never will you try though,
And then this snow will grow upon u like AGE ,
shrouding u , numbing u  all till  forever  with no escape..

Of passion it snows,of candlelit dinners;
of romantic talks,so much upon u it grows,
it  brings emotions that u burry deep through,
the music all reverberating; u desire a passionate long kiss
but never will u try though...
this snow will grow upon u like a rose bed,caressing u ,living deep inside 
to send u into giggles now n then.

TO EACH his snow "pain" or "passion";
THIS SNOW reflects all thats ur perspective 
all thats ur reason.

Today i return to a blank page asking myself what is it that makes it so hard to pour my heart out,what is it that makes me keep going round and round the same road in life.....just for the sake of being safe,feeling safe,taking no new chances,wanting nothing more out of each day....COMPLACENCY  oh yes thats the word and i know how scared i used to be of the day when i l fall in this trap.Thats the beauty of life,it acts over you in such a cunning way that u do not even realise and u r like everyone else running pillar to post to attain things,aspire for positions which were never really in the original blueprint that u made for ur life.And the funniest part is the deeper u are caught in this trap the harder it becomes for u to use ur own head and work your way out of it.Every now and then u can sit on a cup of coffee and crave for the beautiful little things that were part of ur plan like raising pets,painting and planting a garden...those are just a few of mine!

And then ur phone will ring and you will be pulled back without warning into ur crude,rude and "to the point" world.....ur thoughts will be left lying in the few drops of coffee u l need to leave back on ur table, to answer this world's demand from you....n all this to reach places u originally never wanted to go, to aquire positions you never meant to hold.

  "The first duty in life is to be as artificial as possible. What the second duty is no one has as yet discovered."

                                               - thats what Oscar Wilde wrote and now i know what it means.

To Live......

To have lived is to smell every flower that u came across,

to have lived is to have smiled back at every little child staring at u,

to have lived is to have cried whole night on ur loss and yet getting up in the morning with hope,

to have lived is to have loved and lost and bled in pain,

nothing eventually remains,no success,no failure,no youth,no associations,

"experiences"....are all that we'l carry back in our souls on our voyage back.
                                        - shabda.

STOP FEARING AND START LIVING

We were not sent on this earth to live a life filled with fear....but then when i begin to imagine how we have been turned into these creatures who are so fearful of trying anything new.......looking any further beyond prejudices.....so much so that we are fearful of even trying to be just ourselves.
The seed of all this fear i believe  is sown long back in our preschool and early schooling years.....when we are asked to sit properly,eat properly,walk in files.....turning the little monsters we were into dead robots we are now......filling our hearts with extreme sense of fear and guilt if we do IT WRONG.....and the irony is no one talks about the IT we are  here to do....
 The concept of RIGHT and WRONG,even the most accomplished of the scholars are searching the true definitions of these words.Then how so recklessly,we fill these thoughts in the young minds that not walking in files is wrong or spilling while eating is wrong.......or something like staying like a dead creature keeping pin drop silence is right.Are anyone of us confirmed that is the way it is meant to be.
So the end result is we...the grown ups.......who are always anxious...because we are always trying to be RIGHT,the right we ourselves are not clear of.And then there's all the moral policing....the fatwas n what not,all this because everyone wants to prove his prejudice to be the absolute truth.The need rather is to just BE......leave away the lust to be RIGHT,break through the walls of this illusion......and just to live....
     

Kya paya hai zindagi ko fakkad ki tarah ji ke…..

 Ek ehsas sa hi hai kaha nahin ja sakta.

wo us mod par jahan sab kehte the ruk jao….par hum na ruke;

sab kehte the jukh jao……aur hum na jhuke.

Aur  jo aandhiya aayi aur sir ki chat tak uda le gayi,

Fir Kya paya  bin thaur thikane ke….panchi ki tarah udke…

Ek ehsas hi hai kaha nahin ja sakta.

JO BHI HO….. EHSAS YE…. MEETHA HAI, GAON KE GUD SA…….

AUR KHATTA HAI…..bachpan mein  CHURAYI IMLIYO KA SA…..

Main sochti hu kya paati hu,apni hi marzi se jikar…..

Paati hu shayad haawa hone ka ehsas,jo gili bhi hai pehli barish si ,kathor bhi aandhi si,

Madhosh phoolon ki mehek bhi hai,

Aur HAWAN  ki…..shant, gehri vandana si ……ESHWAR ko arpit bhi..

                                                      ME

IF THE JOURNEY IS ABOUT DISCOVERNG ME then the path is sometimes too difficult to trail…..

If I see the complete design of the universe,my existence becomes so small,my ego just so ignorable.

   

Have I been defeated already,or still there r chances of win…….

Everyday seems a mistake all so many times I hav been rubbished n mocked

My definitions in life r oh yes quite quirky but…

After with all dats gone by, who sees any silver lining in the clouds still.

If the journey is about me discovering myself,the path becomes so difficult to trail sometimes…

They say I hav been my own enemy, yes I m my best critic I believe

My deficiencies make me so much of myself,how can I part from all that and be

If I make the criterion and  if  I m the judge ….

Then with the endurance earned and a graceful smile I give myself accolades still.

And then if the journey is all about me…….the path will remain as much difficult to trail..

The design is right and our existences just spread in a small time, I will let myself be…the best I can be…..

                                                                                              

                                                                            -shabda

i suspect the design....

EVERY CALLING IS GREAT IF GREATLY PURSUED......

     read this statement somewhere when i was some 10 years old.Since then it has stuck in my head.....what is my calling???? thats a question i keep asking myself....sometimes reaching very close to an answer but then there is another searching in my soul and my perspective change,so does the purpose of my life as i define it.If u try and ask urself, Are u doin justice to ur presence on this earth??  There is never any answer because that we will come to know at only the end of the whole game.

               What is one sure shot way that can keep ur heart out of distress,abt the whole purpose thing.One simple random act that u can do each day and say fine now my today's job is done.....

Oft i hav regretted my decisions at the end of the whole drama when i have realised that there was some desire or some greed or some person who took me all the way on the wrong path and pulled me far off from my calling....n by the time i have come to know,i have now miles to walk to reach the destination where that desire or greed first came n then restart my journey all over again.Has the whole design of life been made so COMPLEX on purpose.So that we keep moving round and round in circles.....

Sometimes it makes me wonder,why m i supposed to go through certain situations in life when to my lousy brain they just seem pointless......n not adding anything towards my journey in life.Seems like a devine plan to put such statements into the head of wandering souls like me....So till i understand my real calling........my calling is to suspect the design and try to find the purpose of it.....n how its adding to my progress in the journey called life.      

                                       

                                              NAZM

              Kaise kaise jina sikha, has ke rona ro ke hasna sikha.

               

               Kaun ata kaun jata, kaun kehta kaun sunta,

              Sabhi masroof the itne

               Ki  fir hamne ap hi kehna, ap se hi sunna sikha.

              Mausam badalte dekhe,pathther pighalte bhi dekhe,

            Par hairan to tab hue jab ki  zajbaat badalte dekhe.

            Andhiyaan uthte dekhi, ghatayen ghumadte dekhi,

           Ye sab to yuhi hua krta hai,par achanak fir fitrate badalti dekhi.

            Ghazab ka jazba tha “shabda” mein bhi lekin

            Jab tak samjha gaya samjha tera jalwa e duniya…

             Na samjha to usi  to nazmo mein pirona sikha.

                                                                      -shabda

all singing in different tones

जाने  कब ज़िन्दगी से  बैर हो गया  ,जिस जिस को चाहा वही गैर हो गया

हम तो अपना ग़म  रो रो कर  सुना रहे थे ,बज़्म में वही शेर मशहूर हो गया.

 एक ख्वाबों की बस्ती में जिया करते थे हम भी ,कुछ लव्जो को पिरोया लिखा करते थे हम भी ,

जाने कब उन जज्बातों का होना फजूल हो गया ,जिस जिस को चाहा वही गैर हो गया 

जाने कब ज़िन्दगी से ........

आँखों में चमकती सी बात लिए आये थे कुछ खास पोशीदा से जज़्बात लिए आये थे ,

इस शेहेर ने वो ज़ुल्म किया की ये वजूद ही आम हो गया,जिस जिस को चाहा वही गैर हो गया

जाने कब ज़िन्दगी से..............

पर अब भी एक कसक सी बनी रहती है "शब्दा" में कहीं,कि फिर उन गलियों में जाएँ देखें ,

कि क्या कही कोई हमारे नाम पर भी बदनाम हो गया,जिस जिस को चाहा वही गैर हो गया 

जाने कब ज़िन्दगी से..............

                                        FOR AMY WINEHOUSE….

This isn’t a world for the faint hearted,it just cannot be,after all Charles Darwin gave the theory…..THE SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST.Only the fit survive,rest keep struggling all their lives..Some win some loose.Sometimes I feel does anyone even care about the feelings of anyone 

                                             Amy Winehouse so dearly loved by all her fans around the globe just went away…..shocking.I don’t think she would have wanted to just checkout like this if she had an insight of how much she is loved the world over.Human emotions are unsuppressable….so even today’s world has as much emotional contest as was the times of Shakespeare,its only that the world now believes in hiding it,even if some of us may die for the want of love and acceptance. 

                                               And all these news coming up,that everyone could see her killing herself.thats the saddest part of the story,if all knew then what stopped them to help her.Amy was just like any other little girl unable to cope up in this world of grown up,made up people.Greater than anything else what our world requires is acceptance….a small little child should be fed in his head deeply that he is accepted as he is with all his attributes.The theory of wrong and right as it is engraved in our head from our kindergarten days needs to be challenged,soon.Had Amy been accepted as she was with all her quirkyness and more than that if this world had tried to show her more often that she belongs here,as much as all of us she might be here with us creating soulful music.

                                                 Her songs ‘You know I m no good’ and “Tears dry on their own”…..were my soulmates during my difficult times.So I know what she must be going through during the time of their creation.There was an innocence in her appearance that looms long after everytime you see her picture or video or hear her voice.And a bold statement that always echoed in her songs,that she is TROUBLED,can there be anyone bolder than her in accepting her flaws. 

                                                 The artist in her was seeking perfection in this world full of turmoil and pretention.Getting addicted to substances was the way she chose to forget about this world,and to drown in music and her creations.Had she been gifted genetically by better coping skills or had she yearned to learn them to fit in this world she would have survived but her unapologetic statement that she doesn’t want to fit here,took her to the dark corners and that darkness  has engulfed her finally.The beautiful soulful artist in her deserved much more than a short span of 27years.My heart aches to have lost Amy….and a chance to experience more of  her voice and creations.Hope the little girl in her experiences the perfection of the God’s world up there…the perfection she kept seeking in our chaotic world but never could get it.               –love u Amy. 

"Most of each n every day goes by trying to find the missin peices of the puzzle;
seeing life in different lights as i pass through different phases,
Every step cautious every step clean;so as not to break my delusions;
n then comes a turn steep n cruel,prejudices dont usually survive it,
It's time for a new set of ideas to emerge"....yet again -shabda

understanding me....more.

Cherish ur lifegivin emotion…(a page from my diary….for all of u to ponder)

We constantly keep deciphering the same truth so differently each time lookin through the glasses of our prejudices and beliefs.Just .like every time I look through my window,the outside world stares back at me in different shades,sometimes gloomy,sometimes joyous,.it may be so that the world is reflecting my own inner characterstics…my own basic lifegiving emotion at that moment of time.I think,just .like those life saving drugs that we prescribe in medicine,one certain intense emotion be it love, be it jealosy,be it anger…be it pride…it should every day nourish

our brains,churn it to keep it moving…forward or backward whatever way.

                                                                                                 -amy

            

ek khwab...

pani ki satah par ek khwab sa beh raha hai,aati jati sabhi lehron ko seh raha hai,fir bhi har guzarte pal se bas yahi bat keh raha hai,aane wali zindgi teri bas ek aks mera hai.