Yes I cry!! A hell lot..actually.

What it is about crying that makes people uncomfortable, judgemental, labelling it a woman thing!!
I own up man, I cry n actually a hell lot.i cry when I fail, when I m being tested.And then I cry when I almost phenomenally succeed !!
I cry when I see the dark clouds and the rain.Nature fills me up so much that I pour out.I cry when my pet rabbit, coco, rubs his nose on my feet wanting to play with me.His love overwhelms me.
I cry when being married for 2 yrs now; my husband still calls me his girlfriend n gifts me flowers every now and then.
And then tears roll down when little girls look at me with those eyes aspiring to be me when they grow up.
My nephews n nieces they make my eyes go gaga , when they look at me with their sparkle eyes.
I cry when people mock me; judge me coz my heart aches for them not being graced enough to not hurt other souls.
I cry when I am angry ; anger drains me; I see it as something weak in me.
So, practically everything about humans and about life AMAZES me.
And I know that after 10min of my eyes pouring I feel a calm inside me.I m indrawn and I feel light as a feather.
So ladies dont let the world take it away from u...and for that matter gentleman try it out; the potential of ur aching or delighted soul overpouring will sweep u off ur feet.
We were created to feel the warmth and beauty of nature; human connect; of emotions.....so why be hippocrits and tag such a natural human emotion as weakness.
In fact to cry it out needs emmence strength and I believe only who recieve grace can feel so deeply.

Be the light !!

While going through my regular reading routine I stumbled upon this quote "Never be afraid of being the most loving person around"; powerful indeed. And immediately I was thinking am I afraid of being that person, the most loving one and what I discovered,I actually was.Are u loving at the maximum of your capacity.Is your love transcending your anger, jealousy and hatred.Hope you too are not caught in the game of I'l love only as much as I will get in return.
      And then the most astonishing discovery I made, this practice of loving to all of my capacity liberates me; so I m doing good to myself first and then then anyone else.Every other emotion hatred, anger, revenge drains a lot of me. Love not as much!
    But why then not all of us practice this.We have been brought up in a world where every act of love and kindness is looked upon with suspicion. We immediately start searching a motive behind someone's love. What a pity we have been made into these robots who calculate risk benefit; profit loss before every act.
    But a word of caution! To be loving beyond expectations , beyond boundaries , beyond reason need a brave soul it is not for the faint hearted. But the moment you step into this world all things will seem simple, just replace every other negative thought about anyone with a sprinkle of love. U will feel lighter and your eyes will be shinier !! U WILL BE THE LIGHT !! I m on it from now on are u ??

The oncology ward....jan 2015.

IThe ward here looks silent! A far cry from the regular ones where patients are annoyed to every little affair not going according to their wish....the people suffering from cold; cough; fever and others from their self created illnesses obesity hypertension n all.
The patients here at the oncology ward; the word oncology makes it sound more scientific and more or less a little bit less invincible than cancer; they do not complain....they seem to have resigned to the creator's wish.
No one here talks rudely, no one fights, the medical staff works with slow, serene demeanor;  the physicians,surgeons putting in the years of their life in patientcare , research look no ordinary humans;  outcomes here at this place are counted in decades....probably long after all of them will be gone.
There is no anxiety , no rush...
An hour into the place and I m overwhelmed! ! The faces of all of them had some calm, some how the place as if existed in another plane.
I was distressed to return back to my regular chaotic world where I could count outcomes in hours fever gone; cough relieved; patient cured.....
And you know the most striking part of this whole situation....the smaller our pains , the more we panic and fight and complain; we focus more on smaller aspects of life.
Jane Hawkins aptly wrote in her biography "when the fight is with destiny ; the only things that matter are major issues- life ,survival, death." So much so that our world n its matters look Lilliputian against their world n issues.I will always remember the oncology ward coz it will always give back my perspective.

Things that never end.

What is it with things left unsaid, questions left unanswered,the end of a movie which says nothing to close  it on any particular side of the story??
How come there is this subtle sweet pain in the heart for an unsaid feeling , an incomplete relationship; as if the gift was half wrapped, the painting was left without the finishing touches, the threads of the knitting left unclosed.Everything left incomplete at a moment in time says so much of the moment, stuff emaculately left.....like my gardening tools left out in balcony with mud on them;  some bicycle lying flat in the corner of a garden....some lines written on a tea spilled page of a diary....all these things paint a story and the best part it has no end to it....it leaves one to imagine in whichever direction the heart takes!! It even leaves a possibility of something beautiful n brilliant that would uncover as the destiny wishes it, but offcourse right on time when it was meticulously proposed to.

“Agar waqt ki bijli humpar na girti,

 to hum bhi khushbu,panchi,badal se udte firte,

Is barish humko bhi par lag jate”

                                           -shabda

THIS SNOW

To each it snows,only it means so much less or so much more...

Of doubt it snows;of "loneliness" even  in a crowd,
all over upon u it grows..
The chill in the wind cuts deep through;
the silence all defening,
You desire a loud scream but never will you try though,
And then this snow will grow upon u like AGE ,
shrouding u , numbing u  all till  forever  with no escape..

Of passion it snows,of candlelit dinners;
of romantic talks,so much upon u it grows,
it  brings emotions that u burry deep through,
the music all reverberating; u desire a passionate long kiss
but never will u try though...
this snow will grow upon u like a rose bed,caressing u ,living deep inside 
to send u into giggles now n then.

TO EACH his snow "pain" or "passion";
THIS SNOW reflects all thats ur perspective 
all thats ur reason.

Today i return to a blank page asking myself what is it that makes it so hard to pour my heart out,what is it that makes me keep going round and round the same road in life.....just for the sake of being safe,feeling safe,taking no new chances,wanting nothing more out of each day....COMPLACENCY  oh yes thats the word and i know how scared i used to be of the day when i l fall in this trap.Thats the beauty of life,it acts over you in such a cunning way that u do not even realise and u r like everyone else running pillar to post to attain things,aspire for positions which were never really in the original blueprint that u made for ur life.And the funniest part is the deeper u are caught in this trap the harder it becomes for u to use ur own head and work your way out of it.Every now and then u can sit on a cup of coffee and crave for the beautiful little things that were part of ur plan like raising pets,painting and planting a garden...those are just a few of mine!

And then ur phone will ring and you will be pulled back without warning into ur crude,rude and "to the point" world.....ur thoughts will be left lying in the few drops of coffee u l need to leave back on ur table, to answer this world's demand from you....n all this to reach places u originally never wanted to go, to aquire positions you never meant to hold.

  "The first duty in life is to be as artificial as possible. What the second duty is no one has as yet discovered."

                                               - thats what Oscar Wilde wrote and now i know what it means.