The oncology ward....jan 2015.

IThe ward here looks silent! A far cry from the regular ones where patients are annoyed to every little affair not going according to their wish....the people suffering from cold; cough; fever and others from their self created illnesses obesity hypertension n all.
The patients here at the oncology ward; the word oncology makes it sound more scientific and more or less a little bit less invincible than cancer; they do not complain....they seem to have resigned to the creator's wish.
No one here talks rudely, no one fights, the medical staff works with slow, serene demeanor;  the physicians,surgeons putting in the years of their life in patientcare , research look no ordinary humans;  outcomes here at this place are counted in decades....probably long after all of them will be gone.
There is no anxiety , no rush...
An hour into the place and I m overwhelmed! ! The faces of all of them had some calm, some how the place as if existed in another plane.
I was distressed to return back to my regular chaotic world where I could count outcomes in hours fever gone; cough relieved; patient cured.....
And you know the most striking part of this whole situation....the smaller our pains , the more we panic and fight and complain; we focus more on smaller aspects of life.
Jane Hawkins aptly wrote in her biography "when the fight is with destiny ; the only things that matter are major issues- life ,survival, death." So much so that our world n its matters look Lilliputian against their world n issues.I will always remember the oncology ward coz it will always give back my perspective.

Things that never end.

What is it with things left unsaid, questions left unanswered,the end of a movie which says nothing to close  it on any particular side of the story??
How come there is this subtle sweet pain in the heart for an unsaid feeling , an incomplete relationship; as if the gift was half wrapped, the painting was left without the finishing touches, the threads of the knitting left unclosed.Everything left incomplete at a moment in time says so much of the moment, stuff emaculately left.....like my gardening tools left out in balcony with mud on them;  some bicycle lying flat in the corner of a garden....some lines written on a tea spilled page of a diary....all these things paint a story and the best part it has no end to it....it leaves one to imagine in whichever direction the heart takes!! It even leaves a possibility of something beautiful n brilliant that would uncover as the destiny wishes it, but offcourse right on time when it was meticulously proposed to.

“Agar waqt ki bijli humpar na girti,

 to hum bhi khushbu,panchi,badal se udte firte,

Is barish humko bhi par lag jate”

                                           -shabda

THIS SNOW

To each it snows,only it means so much less or so much more...

Of doubt it snows;of "loneliness" even  in a crowd,
all over upon u it grows..
The chill in the wind cuts deep through;
the silence all defening,
You desire a loud scream but never will you try though,
And then this snow will grow upon u like AGE ,
shrouding u , numbing u  all till  forever  with no escape..

Of passion it snows,of candlelit dinners;
of romantic talks,so much upon u it grows,
it  brings emotions that u burry deep through,
the music all reverberating; u desire a passionate long kiss
but never will u try though...
this snow will grow upon u like a rose bed,caressing u ,living deep inside 
to send u into giggles now n then.

TO EACH his snow "pain" or "passion";
THIS SNOW reflects all thats ur perspective 
all thats ur reason.

Today i return to a blank page asking myself what is it that makes it so hard to pour my heart out,what is it that makes me keep going round and round the same road in life.....just for the sake of being safe,feeling safe,taking no new chances,wanting nothing more out of each day....COMPLACENCY  oh yes thats the word and i know how scared i used to be of the day when i l fall in this trap.Thats the beauty of life,it acts over you in such a cunning way that u do not even realise and u r like everyone else running pillar to post to attain things,aspire for positions which were never really in the original blueprint that u made for ur life.And the funniest part is the deeper u are caught in this trap the harder it becomes for u to use ur own head and work your way out of it.Every now and then u can sit on a cup of coffee and crave for the beautiful little things that were part of ur plan like raising pets,painting and planting a garden...those are just a few of mine!

And then ur phone will ring and you will be pulled back without warning into ur crude,rude and "to the point" world.....ur thoughts will be left lying in the few drops of coffee u l need to leave back on ur table, to answer this world's demand from you....n all this to reach places u originally never wanted to go, to aquire positions you never meant to hold.

  "The first duty in life is to be as artificial as possible. What the second duty is no one has as yet discovered."

                                               - thats what Oscar Wilde wrote and now i know what it means.

To Live......

To have lived is to smell every flower that u came across,

to have lived is to have smiled back at every little child staring at u,

to have lived is to have cried whole night on ur loss and yet getting up in the morning with hope,

to have lived is to have loved and lost and bled in pain,

nothing eventually remains,no success,no failure,no youth,no associations,

"experiences"....are all that we'l carry back in our souls on our voyage back.
                                        - shabda.

STOP FEARING AND START LIVING

We were not sent on this earth to live a life filled with fear....but then when i begin to imagine how we have been turned into these creatures who are so fearful of trying anything new.......looking any further beyond prejudices.....so much so that we are fearful of even trying to be just ourselves.
The seed of all this fear i believe  is sown long back in our preschool and early schooling years.....when we are asked to sit properly,eat properly,walk in files.....turning the little monsters we were into dead robots we are now......filling our hearts with extreme sense of fear and guilt if we do IT WRONG.....and the irony is no one talks about the IT we are  here to do....
 The concept of RIGHT and WRONG,even the most accomplished of the scholars are searching the true definitions of these words.Then how so recklessly,we fill these thoughts in the young minds that not walking in files is wrong or spilling while eating is wrong.......or something like staying like a dead creature keeping pin drop silence is right.Are anyone of us confirmed that is the way it is meant to be.
So the end result is we...the grown ups.......who are always anxious...because we are always trying to be RIGHT,the right we ourselves are not clear of.And then there's all the moral policing....the fatwas n what not,all this because everyone wants to prove his prejudice to be the absolute truth.The need rather is to just BE......leave away the lust to be RIGHT,break through the walls of this illusion......and just to live....